Sunday, May 27, 2012

Damn...



Just need to make it past my caspers....

Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Gift...

I arrived at the house, eager anticipation coursed though my veins. I was oddly nervous. There it was. A small, white, reinforced envelope of cardboard and paper. My name, front and center, his offset in the corner. It had arrived. I casually picked it up - I had an audience. Turned it over in my hand. Inspected its inches. Found a spot at the edge, pinched it tight and pulled.

Tilting the stiff mailer, two plastic cases spilled out into my left hand. There it was. Shiny. Purple. Beautiful. My audience looked on as tears welled up. I was handed a tissue, dabbed appropriately and was grateful I didn't wear mascara.

I uncapped the beauty, feeling her weight in my hand. Beautifully balanced and comfortable. We became acquainted and instantly it felt like we belonged together. I wrote my name on a sheet of paper. Dark ink crept across the paper, thin letters composing my name. Suddenly, as I was appreciating her feel, she was pulled from my hand, the child wishing to test - I hadn't enough time yet but I could not protest.

There was appreciative awe from the audience as she was passed around. The skillful craftsmanship. The pretty purple color - amethyst, my birthstone. But mainly the thoughtfulness.

I texted my thanks immediately. Downplayed the effect a little - I have some dignity. Hahahahaha. Upon my return home, we talked until 3 am. All else in the world forgotten save for him and his gift. Several glorious hours passed in what felt like just a handful of mortal minutes - until I fell asleep. Dreamy and smiling, I drifted off, but not purposely. It simply couldn't be helped. I drifted into the sleep of one who has had her heart warmed by the thoughtfulness of another.

Sigh.

Anyway. I don't know what this is and I'm trying not to question it or think too much. Just enjoying.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Happiness and Heartache...

So today marks the one year anniversary of my nephew coming to live with us. I am such a proud aunt. That's the happiness.

The heartache is due to a confirmation of information coming to light that has forced me to decline any involvement in the adoption process for fear that it could have a negative impact. I can't risk someone else's happiness. Not someone I love.

I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to explain....It was a good thing to find out once and for all though - as tough as it was to hear.

It's funny how Josh's lies, thoughtlessness and selfishness have had such a widespread impact.

But that's how a child behaves - completely self centered with no ability to step outside of themselves and see how their actions impact anyone but themselves.

Anyway, enough of that. Today truly is a day of celebration.

Plus, the other happiness is that I think the gift should arrive today - I'm excited, but I think I am more excited to return the favor. I've come up with something suitable, I think. It's a care package of sorts - with my own personal...flair...(read as glitter, tin foil, glue, stickers, possibly feathers, ribbons and other random odds and ends).

I bet I cry when I open it....I can be such a girl sometimes. Yeesh. But I think it's one of the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful things I've ever been given. I can't wait - he'll be the recipient of the first missive I pen....I've already been composing things in my head.

________________
12:30 pm...

What a glorious day! Its lunchtime now and I'm outside enjoying this amazing weather. Wish I were spending it at the lakefront with an iced coffee and a good book.

I must shop this weekend! My last shopping attempt failed miserably. I wound up arguing with a guy over a parking space. At which point I drove off before I did something rash. lol. I had visions of popping his tires so he could spend a little more time enjoying that space. I am not cut out for city dwelling, let alone city shopping.

I digress...I am still mulling over the gift. I want it to be perfect.Ive got lots of ideas but I'm still missing one thing. The Thing. The one that says exactly what I'm feeling - though, that isn't clearly defined yet.

Sigh...it'll come...I hope...

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Me N' Samson....


This is Samson. He is a suction cup with a pencap top. Samson keeps me company during the day. Today, Samson and I have discovered he will not stick to the following:


  • My forehead
  • My arm
  • My neck
  • The top of my monitor
  • My desk phone

He will, however, stick to the following:

  • My cell phone
  • My monitor screen
  • My mouse
  • The magnet board

I look forward to sharing with you further adventures of Samson. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Last Night...

Dinner was good - nice Italian place, nothing special but decent....I had to change my tactics a little but I think it all went the way I planned - I wasn't so forthright and I will be if it becomes necessary. Which I'm sure it will...

While last night was less than remarkable, yesterday was an entire jar of awesomesauce! I've been sent a present....Probably the most wonderful and thoughtful gift I've ever been given (I got a preview pic). I'm going to be rushing over to my mom's daily (yeah, I know, I still haven't found or replaced my freaking mailbox key...yes, it has been a year...no, I have no plans on doing so in the near future) to rifle through her mail.

Now...I do not create. So I cannot return the thoughtfulness in kind. Unless I can come up with a suitable gift using glitter and colored sparkle pens. Which, while it might produce a chuckle, is not going to happen. So I shall shop. I think I do pretty good in the gift giving department. But this thank you needs to be extra special. More than The Gift That Wasn't - which was a cool gift in its own right even though it never reached it's intended recipient.


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Awesomesauce...

I'm not sure what the heck happened today - the planetary alignment must be right. Or weird.  Best client meeting ever. I love good client meetings. Even brought me a toy to play with. Lol.

I'm going to go to dinner tonight but mainly to tell him it's not going to work out. Sigh. Poor guy - after two years of chasing, I say yes but only to decide that I'm going to say no.

I keep trying to deny the other. I want to deny him. I should deny him. But today He left me speechless. He does that at times. It's not an easy feat. :P

Thought today was oddly good....went to horoscope just for fun:









Confirms what I was just thinking....

So I shall wait a little longer before I admit. ;-)

And thanks for the ear, B-dog.

2nd Chances

It's funny, I give a lot of things second and sometimes third or fourth chances but never when it comes to dating someone - until now. This isn't to say I have any expectations - I don't. But I'm trying to be a little more open minded. I think I've changed a lot in the last year or so (some changes for the better, some - well...Lol) and this seems to be one of those changes - neither good nor bad, just different.

We're trying again for tonight - hopefully third times the charm. We shall see.

Things with D cooled off, we tried - and while it was fun, it just wasn't right - sometimes you just know. And the "right one" is wrong entirely - sigh....Yet, like a moth to a flame, I am drawn. I love the way he makes me laugh. I love how he teases and tells me like it is. It was funny - I didn't reach out for a day and it felt like I hadn't talked to him in a week. And when he shot me an off the cuff text the next day it brought a flock of butterflies who instantly took up residence in my stomach.

Don't hurt me, Snowy. IknowIknowIknow......

Lol.

Maybe aversion therapy. Every time my thoughts drift, I snap myself with a rubberband. Or use a taser. ROFL. If nothing else it would knock me out - either way, the thoughts would stop. :P

Anyway, busy Tuesday ahead and I need to get to it!


Monday, May 21, 2012

Lyrics...

So this song has been in my rotation lately and it's a bouncy, happy little tune - I think everyone should take a minute and sing along (I know I've posted the video before but really, take a couple of minutes turn the volume up and sing - you'll feel so good!) :


Boring as bat-shit you people make me feel so
Curious and I don't know why
You think you'll end up in the sky

Happy as Larry and riding sheep on clouds
Well I'd prefer enthusiasm while you're here with me

So stop
Don't get carried away
Darling don't you understand that every time we wave our hands we're cool
We're fucking amazing
We dropped down from some other dimension just to be with you

Don't stress
That's dumb
I'm here
And it's nice to be alive

Chill out
It's all right
Kiss me
It's nice to be alive

Lovers need lovers and I'm impressed by all the
Goods out on display
I don't know what to say

I'm thinking I'm thinking woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
I prefer enthusiasm while you're here with me

So stop
Don't get carried away
Darling don't you understand that every time we wave our hands we're cool
We're fucking amazing
We dropped down from some other dimension, just to be with you

Don't stress
That's dumb
I'm here
And it's nice to be alive

Chill out
It's all right
Kiss me
It's nice to be alive


Don't stress
That's dumb
I'm here
And it's nice to be alive

Chill out
It's all right
Kiss me
It's nice to be alive
It's nice to be alive
It's nice to be alive 


Melange...

Monday comes too quickly. I'm all over the place this morning.

I recently gathered some much needed confirmation that allowed me to have the final closure on an issue that has bothered me for some months now. While my heart, soul and body have forgiven me for the error and moved on - there was a part of my brain that needed to know for sure. To be certain I hadn't been unnecessarily rough on myself.

The heat of the weekend was oppressive. I really need to invest in another a/c unit or I'm not going to be a happy camper.

We're trying again for Tuesday - but I had forgotten what this week was. NATO. Damn. This means things are a bit crazy. I've been told 3rd times the charm and all but I'm not feeling so lucky. How hard is it really for two people to get together for a few hours?!?! Sigh.

I'm running late this morning, going to skip blow drying my hair.

I rejoined the stupidity. There are some people it's hard to say no to.

This is stuck in my head. Day number two:

Friday, May 18, 2012

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Fate

We've tried twice.... Last week it was me. This week him. 

Is fate telling us something?

Trying again next week...Though I'm going to be watching out for lightning. 

Sail...

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

It's A Party...

In case I was too subtle before....


Hahahahahahaha. I crack myself up. 

Now to create the map...

Monday, May 14, 2012

Monday

Busy weekend behind me (and an even busier week prior), Monday seems to find me relatively happy though seemingly unprepared (or simply unwilling) for beginning my day, lol. Mourning, contemplating, reflecting, of course. Yet the underlying happiness is not to be ignored.

My coffee is a touch brackish this morning. Unfortunate but tolerable. My numerous soy lattes will make up for it later, I'm sure.

Balance can be elusive....

I believe I am going to be participating in a 3k walk for an animal shelter next month so I'll be looking for sponsors (hint, hint). Yes, I will be shamelessly begging for your support.

So I got talked into returning. I'm seeing a pattern here of revisiting...I do not think this is a wise path to pursue overall, however, I am treading lightly and having no expectations of any sort. I think it shall be fine on all fronts. My attitudes towards everything have been evolving.

I got to see Jack and my RileyGirl yesterday at the country club. She was all decked out in little pink shoes and a spring dress. Upon my arrival, she hopped into my arms and said "I am 4 now and so are my bones." - does it get any cuter than that? Then, I was the Tickle Monster, she ran around the table attempting to evade my tickle fingers, giggling with every step. I loved watching her eat the frosting off of a piece of cake, wiping her mouth after every bite. Such an adorable thing.

Mar had Jasper in for a few days for his birthday - what a cute kid, he's got an infectious smile! I haven't seen him since he was a baby. He and his siblings are far too cute. When Kai was in last summer it was a riot being out with him. He's a character.

My next date with Nick is going to be mini-golf. I'm pretty bad at it but still love it. I think they have go-karts at the place we're going too. He was pretty excited about that one. Maybe next weekend now that things are a little more settled.


Friday, May 4, 2012

Great Sadness...

Today is a day of loss.

I only knew him a short time, just over a year but he welcomed me, educated me, made me laugh...

I am lucky for having known him at all....I am better for having known him.

Today the world mourns the loss of an amazing man. We can't afford to lose people like him.

Just another display of the unfairness of life.

JC, you will forever be missed. You were taken from us too soon.

-----
This death, this loss, finds me reflecting and grieving and pretending I am capable of doing anything but these two things.

"This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it..." (see below for the full quote) - this is how I feel when someone I love dies. There is nothing that fills that hole other than scar tissue, but that is not the same as the living flesh that once occupied that space. It's like filling a cavity.
-----

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clich├ęs that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?” Jeanette Winterson (taken from a book I read and loved over a decade ago, Written On The Body).

----

This man is running around changing lightbulbs.

I don't understand it.

And I want to tell him to stop.

To let us be in our darkness.

Rules Are Meant To Be Broken...

My past reached out yesterday. Normally, I don't do this. I don't revisit. I don't go back. And I'm not sure what exactly prompted me to change my mind. We used to have quite a bit of fun - though it was short lived. I'm sure I'll remember why it was so short lived after Tuesday....but until then, carpe diem!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Siriusly Stupid

So...With my cutie-car, Mia, I got satellite radio. I had a free subscription at first, several months of listening to Alt Nation and the Bruce Springsteen station - not to mention the all 80s station, got me hooked. So I paid for a year of service and enjoyed the year at a promotional rate of like $75.

My year ended and when I looked into renewing, it came to almost $200. This was difficult for me to justify for the 3 stations (Ok, 4 because I couldn't unprogram NASCAR radio from one of the presets and was forever hitting that button - if my hatred for NASCAR wasn't at it's peak before, it soon arrived there because while I thought there was nothing more obnoxious than watching cars drive in a circle, it's listening to them drive in a circle).

I digress...

So I called Sirius and inquired if they had any specials or promotions I could take advantage of. They said no. I said are you sure? I'd love to keep the service but I just think $200 for the year is too high. They said no. I said, ok, please let my account expire then.

Here we are a week later...I get an email from them....offering me a promotion to return for $25 and they'll even waive the set up fee of $15.00.....

WTF?

Seriously?

Sigh....

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Best....massage....ever...

Glass Houses....


I have this friend, and I use that term loosely, who challenges me regarding certain romantic leanings. This vexes me greatly as we cannot dictate to our hearts. Oh that we could!

His claim is that it is for my own benefit, however, I have a difficult time reconciling this as the arguments presented are weak, at best. And implying that the object of my affections is some how  lessor  and undeserving merely angers me.

I do not appreciate superiority and smugness. And it is not as if his relationship is one that should be emulated - at least should this continue to progress, physical violence will not be involved. Glass houses being what they are, one should use caution.

Now, I realize that there are other pitfalls - it is not that I am unaware. I am not so foolish. But I do struggle with the dichotomy that is heart and head. And it is my own battle, fought on my own terms.

It is not that I am unappreciative of input and insight, however, the delivery is what has the largest impact. For example, I can dialogue with Snowy and though it may garner The Tone or an exasperated sigh, she is never harsh or cruel - just matter of fact and honest. That goes a long way with me - much further than attacks on superficial things.

For all of *his* faults, *his* character cannot really be questioned. There is an unfaltering sense of right and duty that is rare. And no, this is not over romanticized ramblings. This is based upon what I have seen and heard - the actions of a kind and good man. What is even more amazing is *his* modesty. *He* just quietly does what he thinks is right.

And that impresses the hell out of me.

But this friend and his approach, do not impress me one single bit.




I am getting a massage today after work - I am looking forward to it. It is much needed. I always have a few trepidations when seeing a new provider, I'm not always the most receptive to change, but today I think the need outweighs any fears.


Bruce Springsteen is coming to Chicago....I'm very tempted.....Really good seats seem to be really expensive. Hmmm. Need to investigate this further.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Walls...

Death, Taxes and Fund Raising!

Fund Raising First:

So, May's charitable effort is aimed at raising money for Misericordia! This is a very worthy organization in the Chicagoland area. If you're in the area, you've seen them out and about recently with the Jelly Belly jellybeans.

Making a donation is really, really, really easy - all you have to do is send a text (but you don't get jellybeans):

TEXT 25383 and enter keyword MIS to make a $5 Candy Day donation! You can do this up to six time per month!


Please take a moment and, if you can spare it, send Misericordia a $5 donation today!


I spend a lot of time in cemeteries and people seem to think I have some sort of morbid preoccupation with death....

Here's the deal, I usually bring my coffee, journal, camera, bread (for the critters) and wander around....It's peaceful, surrounded by nature - I get to feed geese! :-), no traffic, and generally no people....

I write, I think, I feed things, I walk, I take pictures, I make up stories or simply wonder about the people buried there. I read headstones, some have fascinating quotes or beautiful carvings....

And here's the other thing, if people didn't want their lives to be memorialized or remembered or thought about, they wouldn't be buried in a cemetery!

This is more about life than it is about death....


So at the very last minute, TurboTax saved my butt....I am really not sure what was going on but I totally and completely forgot about my taxes until the 11th hour.

Thankfully, not only did I get my filing done on time, but I got a nice little refund in record time! It was awesome! I caught up a few bills and I did treat myself to a few little luxuries - no, no Coach or Juicy purses, lol. Just a few little things, such as a new pair of Sketchers to replace my sad, pathetic ones. The new ones are black (of course) with cute pink trim. :-)