Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Monday, March 26, 2012

Love and Hate....

I didn't think it possible to hate someone I've never met. In fact, I didn't think I could hate anyone, I mean truly hate....Hate with such a fiery passion... And yet I do...And I hate because I love...Which is just kind of funny.... I can honestly say I hate this man, I hate this man for what he did and what he is trying to do. I don't know what kind of a person you have to be to be so evil....

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Hell..

Work...

Tough week...crazy busy...

Stressful...Good review though...Raise...

Exhausted...But good...I think....

Days and nights easier in many ways....

Forgiving myself feels good...Still have some milestones to meet, but getting there...

Need to figure out a few things...

No longer looking for signs and signals, if it's to be, I will know. :-)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sigh...

I'm posting this just for the sake of posting...I don't think I have much to say today. Last night I was ready to conquer the world - today, I'm slightly less ambitious.

Lots of stuff going on in my head - all good things though.

Finally bought a new hair dryer after the fiasco of last Friday. Nothing like sporting a new haircut only to have the dryer short out middry...

I was sent a most beautiful senic picture of Western IL, dusky river and hills - make me ache for a little nature. I could use a getaway - I miss going to Wisc.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

I'm no soccer mom but I am a tae kwon do aunt! :-)

Pain...

This morning is painful...sitting upon the child...stupid oclock in the morning...grumble, mutter, grumble...I'm wearing an extra pair of crankypants.

Hope Master Yu doesn't mind me napping...


Theres a peace I find here, eventhough this hasn't been my home in years.

I.m watching the magnolia blossoms bob lazily in the cool morning breeze. There.s a symphony of birdsongs playing, as the squirrels dance lighly atop the garage roof.

Friday, March 16, 2012

FINALLY FRIDAY!!!!

What a week! I've been crazy-busy, like running around headless chicken crazy! Between work and after work - I'm wiped but in a good way! Lol.

Though now that I think about it, I've never seen a headless chicken run around…nor do I want to…I think I need a new phrase.

Anyway, this weeks activity culminated with serious haircut (*several* inches) and a raise! Wholly unrelated, I think, but the more notable moments of the week. I guess there were probably a few others but they're escaping me at the moment.

I'm ready to go home and settle in with a cold beer and maybe a nice bath. Maybe a bath in beer? Idk. My weekend plans are escaping me as well….I think the thought of a beerbath distracted me….I know there's something big I have to do this weekend and I keep forgetting what it is…Ah, well…it'll come to me…I hope… :P

I have another new friend, which is nice. My circle widens a bit every week or so it seems. There is a relationship at work I want to cultivate too!

So tell me if this is not stupid…I place an order on Amazon. The next day, I realize I've selected the wrong shipping address (home instead of the office). So I email the merchant and just ask if I can possibly change the shipping address….their response to me was to cancel and refund my order…

WTF???

I didn't want my order cancelled, I just asked if it were possible to change the shipping address…Their suggestion - order again…Ok, that's a lot of work for a $10 item. Thanks but no thanks.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Thursday is not Friday...

What a beautiful morning…sunny, some clouds, light breeze….

Makes me want to play! :-)

ADD is all over the place today….can't focus to save my life. Thankfully, neither my life nor anyone Else's depends upon my focus right now. :P

I'm hoping to avoid thinking and feeling at all costs today. I think I deserve just to "be".

I think it may be wrong to include "clown college" and remaining felony free as my goals on my year review paperwork. I think I don't really care.

Was invited to a party tomorrow but it looks like I may have a conflict. Ah, well. It happens.

I have decided that regardless of the bits of hope I have received/inferred/thought/imagined/seen/heard/etc., I need to rule it an impossibility and be done…No more wistful, daydreamy moments. A glimmer of passivity is not tantamount to actual action. And for it to have any meaning, it needs to be actual action, a real gesture, something real - even were it to be small.

I thought, mistakenly, that the passive activity might be something - but that is a trap i cannot afford to be lured into. Ah, well, it is what it is, and until there is something else, I shall resign myseld and dismiss. Sigh.


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Good Evening....

Open air restaurant....warm night....walk after dinner....ice cream on a park bench...

Crime and Punishment...

I have to remember it is not a crime to believe what you wanted to believe, even for years, even if it was not true, even if it was not the reality of the situation.

I keep punishing myself for something I had no control over. I am not being fair to myself.

This is a hard concept for me…and I'm working on changing my thought processes.

I didn't do anything wrong.

That's what it comes down to.

It's hard for me to accept but it is the truth - I've had to hear it from a billion people over and over and over and mull it over and over and over in my head - but this is the truth and I can accept the truth, albeit slower than molasses.

None of this is easy but I have no choice in the matter.

Sigh.
From my client: "Oh! So you’re a ninja!!"...And now my cover is blown....Damn...
WTF did they do to my coffee?? Wait, I don't wanna know. :-(

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I Forgive...

I forgive myself. I made a mistake. It is what it is. I cannot change it. I believed what I wanted to believe. It is ok.

After torturing myself for a bit there, I realized I wasn't doing anyone any good. And the answer is forgiving myself.

I have my year review at work this week - only a month or so behind. Lol. I have essays to write for my boss by Thursday. At first, I was a little dismayed but I think that I'm going to enjoy them.

Was a long day today. Got stuffs to do! :P Happy Tuesday!

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Healing Process...

I work on finding little ways to help myself move on...To accept things for how they really are, not how I want them to be or hope them to turn out but for the reality of it all....

I find distractions, new shiny objects to hold my attention for a little while...then find another...and another....

This is the way I work through things. I don't know how else to do it.

Yes, I know. I'm supposed to be "over" all of this by now (according to most) - but here's the thing, folks, I'm not. I am not on your timetable and you are not in my shoes. While I won't hold it against you if you don't want to hear about it any more, don't be surprised if I get quiet at times because some days it's all I think about.

Please don't misunderstand - I appreciate the massive support I've received. In no way am I discounting that or unappreciative of the efforts! And I am ALWAYS here for you!

But please don't push - you know I can be stubborn - and don't have expectations of me that are unrealistic.

I know I have good days, great days even - but please allow me the other as well. Some days I still feel horrible like a monster! And that's ok! I can accept that as well...

It is what it is...I, at least, am not in denial.
I changed my shampoo...it smells amazing....

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Just discovered my wasabi threshold.

Sadness and Sushi...

So...there I sat, an assortment of sushi for linner (yes, linner or dunch, if you prefer)...feeling off...conflicting emotions....I try to stay so positive. Keep up the front - if you convince yourself to feel something long enough, it eventually will stick, right - when this song came on...a song I hadn't heard in years....the specific song is not relative...and I felt the burning begin...behind my eyes...and the next thing I knew, warm wet rivers running down my cheeks...droplets darkening my shirt...

That hope I had, I found brief comfort in...The idea that things could...That there might be a chance...but it left, I was mistaken - at least I think I was....There is no way for me to know...It was just a thought...And I hate that it existed at all...

The rivers pooled into dark lakes on my OMS tshirt...stormy seas with expanding shores as the rivers fed into them...

This too shall pass...just wish it would pass faster...

The Things I Say...

It's funny...I've noticed that I've started to tell people what they want to hear, not necessarily what is my reality. They don't understand, they want me to do things I am not ready for. There are certain reactions I receive - even when I barely touch upon my reality - disdainful disinterest, concern, anger, fear....I have learned quickly what to say - even if it is contrary to how I feel or what I think, simply to pacify.

It's easier this way....

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Hope...

Yesterday, I actually had some hope...Not that I am hopeless, I don't mean that by any means. But I was encouraged - albeit briefly...

Sigh...

Oh well...

Guess I was mistaken...

Omeletes With a Side of Friendship...

Went to breakfast with Tasha this morning...It was so good to bask in the comfort of her friendship. Funny how with some people it doesn't matter the time or distance - the connection is always there. I love that.

We talked about everything and nothing...Felt like no time had passed - sign of an amazing friendship, if you ask me.

I need to visit the salon. My hair is so long that I can't get the curlers in it. I tried in vain this morning. I could also use a few other spruces but they're expesive so I think I shall stick with haircut.

Killing time inbetween events today. Going to head out to the movies this afternoon. I've actually seen a few things in the theater in recent days - unusual for me but it's been nice.

Vic took me out for a belated birthday lunch yesterday. It was lovely, as always. I'm very spoiled. Lol. We went to the Cuban place and sat at our usual table, comforting. Can't wait for the outdoor patio to open, I have a feeling Vic and I will be in attendence more regularly. Lol.

It was a hellish week and I've been a bit cranky. Work has just been overwhelming. But I'm handling it well. I need to get my butt back to the gym next week.

Anyway, I should go see if I can get a hair appointment. Wish me luck!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Godlessness....

Weirdly people have been trying to talk to me about "God" - I don't know why people insist. I have no desire to debate or discuss the topic, really. I know I talk about sinning a bit but it's only in my own context. My sins are not those of some sort of biblical decree but my own violations of what I think is wrong/right.

My sins are relatively benign, by comparison and I think I do a much better job of punishing myself for them than any "God".....

I've been asked how I have a sense of morality and, unfortunately, I don't think I have a very good response. I really don't know. I just have a sense of what is right and wrong and what is good for the collective human consciousness and my own well being.

I do not know what drives this but I don't think it is some higher power and I grow weary of people trying to make me justify things - I try to do what is right. I am not perfect, I do not always do the right thing. But I try not to harm others - or myself for that matter.

And that should be good enough for everyone....

I do pray - but it is not to some supreme being. It's more like talking to my own being. Hoping to find the strength to do the right thing even when it it would be gratifying to do something else....LOL....

I have sinned in my own mind recently - no actions - but the thoughts are enough to drive me to despair, guilt....And my punishment is severe.

I have seen my own heaven and hell.....Lived through both...though some parts linger....sigh...

Anyway....

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Let Me Make YOU Feel Sooooooo Good…

...about yourself by helping someone else!!!

So last month it was Vote for A Brace For Philip. Nice work on the clicks - over 600 votes is nothing to sneeze at.

This month, it's get your Kiva account: http://www.kiva.org/invitedby/yellek

Kiva, an organization that I've been fond of for awhile now, is giving away FREE accounts with FREE loans of $25. This means you sign up, you can send $25 and make a meaningful difference in someone's life - and it doesn't cost you anything but a little bit of your time!

Please sign up - you'll find plenty of worthy individuals to help out.
I hate repeating myself, I hate repeating myself, I hate repeating myself, I hate repeating myself...

Good Grief...

I've always considered myself reasonably articulate....but in some cases it seems that no matter how many times you articulate yourself people will put their own spin on things. There are some things that are open for interpretation but "I'm only interested in friendship" is not one of them.

Or at least that's how I feel about that statement. Others seem to take that as "Push harder for something more" until my patience is raw and I lose my composure.

Thankfully, I do not feel guilty for asserting myself. This, while unfortunate for the other party, is my reality. I'm really unsure of how much more clear I could be. As I know all too well, simply because we want something to be true, does not mean it is going to be so. And no amount of effort can change some things.

Sigh. Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which fills up faster.


More on this later....blogging from my phone is difficult.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I'm sticky.....

Wow!

These pictures from a friend of mine speak more than a thousand words. Not only is the venue beautiful (New Zealand) but the photography is simply amazing!


pbase.com/bariq/newzealand

Remiss...

So I had promised myself to keep up with my blogging as I feel it is a good outlet. And yet it's been about a month since my last post and weirdly everything and nothing has changed - if that's possible.

I survived the anniversary of Abby's death and my birthday relatively well. I was going to post something but the words felt wrong, so I immersed myself in distraction. Family and friends spoiled me. It was all very bittersweet.

Work has been a bit overwhelming and I had contracted a nasty cold that had a lingering cough. It's kept me from the gym for a couple weeks - I fear that not much of a workout would be had if I were stopping to cough up a lung every 5 minutes.

Nick is progressing nicely in his Tae Kwon Do classes, I've had the joy of watching him regularly now - though his ADD sometimes gets the best of him (yes, I can totally relate). They recently had their tests and those Jr Blackbelts are just AMAZING and The Nick broke his first board - with a barefoot kick, nonetheless!

There are things I want to say, things I need to say and yet I find I'm at such a loss for words some days. They aren't cohesive. Just fragments of thoughts and feelings. I can report on the happenings but my involvement in them escapes me….

I withdrew from things for the last few days, unable to reach out - working through things in my head. And I hate that because I feel neglectful. But the people in my life are far too patient, far too understanding and far too loving. I am lucky.

There are three women in my life who have been particularly amazing and I cannot for the life of me express what their friendships mean to me. They have continuously supported me and backed me up. I couldn't do it without you (Snowy, Mia and Julie). I really couldn't. What I think is so amazing is all three of you have been able to put yourselves in my shoes and feel the pain, the insanity, then step back and support me through it all - sometimes offering advice, sometimes just offering an ear, and always offering laughter. I am humbled by your strength, patience and love.

Anyway, I guess those are some of the feelings I can express without needing to seek out the right words.

Enough for now.

If you're reading this, most likely I love you and I appreciate you being here. XOXO my beloved friends and family.