Monday, April 30, 2012

Sigh Worthy...

Ok...he went and did it today...he gave me butterflies...

Not the first time...but this was...different...

I know I know I know!


Sunday, April 29, 2012

I Quit!

Hehe....In this case, quitters do win.

Something funny happened to me - after having that moronic conversation recently, I did some thinking. It occurred to me, after the account was reset, that I shouldn't care. Regardless of how it happened - initially I was rather vexed. Something of mine was taken from me.

But I thought about it some more....

And the more I thought about it I realized just how idiotic the whole thing was. The stupidity that drove me to even bother having the conversation, irritated me.

Yes, I thought something of mine was stolen and a subsequent occurrence furthered the fire, but upon reflection it came to me - I no longer wanted to care.

So I made up my mind to quit.

After just over 3 years, I left - I haven't even bothered to reset my main. I will, eventually. Well, I won't personally. There's a certain someone who gets the actual honor. But that day will come soon.

But I am free and perfectly fine, finally. :-)

Had a lovely brunch at one of my favorite cafes (amazing food and even more amazing company), then ran errands and headed out to grams for a visit. Took a walk in the cemetery - a new one, I hadn't visited before. All in all, a very good day.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


He called recently, out of the blue. His voice soothes and stirs all at once. I don't hear it often enough. I struggled through the conversation, tripping over my words, tongue tangled with excitement - wishing it were tangled with his. He's made interesting gestures as of late. One that made the color in my cheeks rise and left me speechless. Another that made me laugh. Though his laugh causes me more joy than my own. He shared things with me that touched me. Made me smile. I couldn't curb my enthusiasm. Sigh.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know!

But what can I say? Mr. Wrong is the tingle in my jeans - to quote a favorite songs.

I've been sick the last few days and developed a weird pain in my right side - debated the ER this evening but it seems to have gotten better, and thus my mood has gotten better as well. I'd been out of sorts for a few days, not realizing I was getting sick. Blah!

I've quit one silly addiction, haven't reset yet but haven't been on in a week and don't really care. I am proud of myself. Granted, I started a new one with a buddy but it's much less intriguing.

Anyway, it's late, I should get more rest.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


...warm spring evening.......steaks and a bottle of wine....

...I vacillate...non-fiction is good though.....and practice will make perfect!


So much better than the evening I had anticipated - I had set myself up for another inane conversation, thought better of it, cancelled early and then this came up - hehe sooooo much better....

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Gift That Wasn't

Funny how when you're least expecting it, random things just decide to make themselves known. I hadn't thought about it since giving it away to someone else but I had taken photos of it because, it its own way, it was kinda cool. I was going to send it but had been talked out of the idea and I found it a new home.

Anyway, I was digging through my phone, looking for a file and came across these...

I remember holding it in my hand, it was a heavy thing, I was shocked by its heft. The blade was very, very sharp and it came with paperwork. My fingers traced the scrolling inscriptions, like little rivers carved into the cold steel - I liked feeling it against my flesh. The handle was a reddish wood with metal inlay. Also sturdier than I had thought it would be.

There was something special about it.

I remember, for a moment, wanting to know what it would feel like to pierce my skin with this piece. I know, I know - it's just the curiosity. And it's NOT about self-harm, it's the experience. Just to know. Difficult to explain....

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Just saw the pictures today and it made me remember the knife. Time for me to get to my appointment!

Riding Sheep On Clouds...

Saturday, April 14, 2012


Wow - for the first time in as long as I can recall I feel ALIVE!

Happy and vibrant!

I've found my voice and my humor....

I've found my moxie....

Freaking amazing....

Friday, April 13, 2012

I need no reason or excuse to do what I want, when I want and I reserve the right to change my mind, at will, without notice or apology. :-)

Thursday, April 12, 2012


(Ok, so not in that order but it sounded funny)

Insanity and Communication

The insanity is really just the stuff in my head and, frankly, not all that insane. I'm too tired to have too much going on, to be honest. Up late the past few nights. I think I had an epiphany this morning. Things started to click and I've made some steps in the right direction. I've come to terms with a few things. I've been so afraid of making changes for the past year or two - it's boring as all hell. Living under this rock is not living, at all. I have hidden in the safety of routine for far too long. And while I have done a few things recently that could be considered "steps" I wasn't being consistent. But that is changing.

I've spoken up, and it's felt good. I've branched out a little, and it's felt good. Time for another boundary push. Couple more and I'll be defying gravity once again....

It's really funny how distorted things become when there is a lack of communication. It's easy to make assumptions. I had an interesting conversation the other night and it brought to light strange assumptions on both sides, all driven by the lack of communication. There are two resolutions for this type of issue as far as I am concerned. One is open dialogue and the other is no dialogue but the caveat to no communication is to make no assumptions. I don't know if our brains are wired to not assume things, or not to try to assemble them in ways that make situations make sense.

I know my brain always wants to add things up for them to make some semblance of sense. And by sense, I do not mean understanding. I have never understood what motivates people, but I do seem to want to know the what - not necessarily the why. The why of these things doesn't always have meaning for me.

Anyway, this conversation I had completely deteriorated - mainly because I was angry, which happens when you believe something was stolen from you. But, what really went down was this - a previous lack of communication and a lack of preparedness for the conversation fueled the stupidity. I actually hadn't planned on having this conversation at all but it was late and I was angry about the incident.

But it got me thinking about effective communication...

I did a paper once in my undergrad about organizational communication and there was this checklist of things to consider when holding a conversation and I wish I had utilized it. Well, I wish I had prepared for this conversation in the first place, lol. There were two topics I covered, one was semi-planned in that I knew what I needed to say. The other was just an angry tirade - which, of course, gets one nowhere.

Anyway, I couldn't find the checklist but I found something along the same lines by Marcia Zidle and think it is something everyone can benefit from:

Think of a recent..conversation How many of these questions can you answer YES to?
  1. Did I prepare ahead of time for this conversation?
  2. Did I think about what's the best way to approach this person?
  3. Was I aware of the other person's communication style and spoke to it?
  4. Did I pay full attention, without multitasking, to what the other person was saying?
  5. Was the intent of my communication to discuss and understand rather than be right?
  6. Did I listen, without interruption, to the other person's point of view even if I didn't agree?
  7. If I was asking the person to take a specific action, did I make my request clear and concise?
  8. Did I summarize what I thought I heard the other person say before expressing my point of view?
  9. Did I follow-up to see if the conversation was successful – it led to a positive outcome for the other?
  10. If the outcome did not meet my expectations, did I reflect on how to better communicate with that particular person?
I know I am guilty of being ill-prepared for many conversations - just easier to wing it. But how effective are those conversations? Would the outcomes have differed if there were more preparation? I know one thing, the deterioration would not have happened had I given it a little more thought!

I wonder how many of us actually prepare for our conversations? Would our communications be more effective, both personally and professionally, if they were more planned? How can one plan for an spontaneous conversation? In our world of instant communication, are we more prone to skipping some of these steps in an effort to be more efficient? Ultimately, is that more efficient if the conversations do not go well?

How do you prepare for conversations? Do you think them out beforehand? Do you employ any tactics such as the list of questions above?


Ok, so I'm all about - I like that it allows nonprofits to create a following on FaceBook - even though I am a FaceBook hater, I can't ignore it's hold on our society. Nor can I discount it's ability to reach numerous people.

I'm specifically into (of course, as most of you know I'd own a zoo if I could).

So my call to action today is to get you to sign up with Find a cause and support it - easily! It's free, won't take up too much of your time!



My search for all things Bacon has lead me to this wonderful product! I am very excited to give it a try, especially given my current dissatisfaction with my existing toothpaste. I made the unfortunate decision to try something new and every brushing is torturous. So onto the bacony goodness:

Brought to us once again by the fine purveyors of bacon products at Archie McPhee:

I have to place my order soon. I'm hoping that this is not a disappointment like the others.....


Anyway, I think that's about it for now. Just things I'm thinking about at the moment.

I hope this finds you all healthy and happy!



Wednesday, April 11, 2012


New office fish Michael - he's a pretty thing but seems a bit anti social. I like watching them, they bring a sense of peace. :-)

Other fishy business...But I think I don't want to care about it anymore. I thought about it overnight and this morning. There's nothing I can do about it and maybe what I thought happened, didn't - there's no way to know for sure. None of it makes any sense whatsoever - there is no scenario that really adds up - so just have to chalk it up to one of those things I'll never know. I think I can be ok with that.

I was angry last night about it. I don't like being angry. I was angry enough to be confrontational - which is unusual for me. Snowy was just saying the other day how I avoid conflict and confrontation - so very true. But I was ticked.

Though...I have noticed that lately I've been having fewer issues asserting myself and speaking up and not just when I'm angry like last night, lol. I've been letting people know what I think and how I feel - about them, about anything, about everything.

I'm sleepykitty today. Was up waaayyy too late on the phone. I remember hanging up and falling dead asleep. Last time I noted the time was around 1 something. Sigh.

Well, at least the tired isn't totally killing my good mood but it is making me slower than molasses.

Busy day today, I should get back to it!

I think it's time to make my life a lot less complicated....In recent months it's gotten dramatic and stupid. :-)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

I reached out.

I don't know if the message was received...or understood....

Can't take it back.

Think it might have been a bad move.

Hopefully it won't get through. Or be understood.


Saturday, April 7, 2012


Soaking in a hot bath. My nails painted like easter eggs, appropriately pink, with a topcoat of sparkles. New playlist and fresh sea incense fill the air. Blogging from my phone is cumbersome. The water cannot get hot enough for me. I was up and out early today for not getting much sleep. Lol. Had dinner with the family last night. At least this time I didn't need some guy to unpark my car for me. Lol. Had a chat with my beloved Snowy this morning. All in all I can.t complain about today. Yet there is something brewing in my head. Im not sure what, exactly. I need to figure out what I want. Im not very good at that. I know what I think I want. Lol. But Ive been down that road and I cannot go back there. Hmm. I have to admit it's very tempting to try. Hahaha. But I don't think I'm that much of a masochist. Soooooo....back to the drawingboard as it were. Guess that's it for now. Ohhh, favorite client comment o' the week: "So if I press the download button, it will download?" My response: "Yes." What I was thinking was: "No, if you press it, it will blow up bunnies all over the world. Your call."

Friday, April 6, 2012

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Hero Worship

I have a hero. I didn't think I needed or wanted one. Maybe need is the wrong word. And wantted implies something that makes me uneasy. The words are wrong. But I digress.

So here I have this hero. And I don't know what to do. I don't think I need to do anything but I feel like I should. Like inactivity is wrong. Yet what do you do for your hero? What do you do for someone who has done so much, asks so little and seemingly expects nothing in return.

Thanks aren't nearly enough. I'm not even sure my hero is fully aware of the extent my life has changed because of their presence. Well, hasn't changed yet but my thought processes have definitely changed and for the better.

I have such good influences in my life. And I love them so very much. :-)


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

In Like A Lion

I think it's happening again....I'm not ready...Not now....I was just getting my bearings again....I keep telling myself no, I'm not letting it happen again...Just stay distracted....Stay engaged....but it's so much easier said than done...I have things I want to do, promises I've made to myself and others. I might just be imagining things. I was trying to make a new playlist to share but FireFox is hateful tonight. I have a few new songs in the rotation. Aside from the Ludacris song that has been in my head for two days now. Hopefully by the time I'm done typing, this will have resolved itself! I've been throwing myself into the stupidity again but that's not a good distraction, I think it just makes things worse.

Sigh. Need to get back to the gym this week. I think I have enough money to start the boxing lessons.

 Ah, crap. Just realized I need to do my taxes. Damnit. ROFL.

 Anyway, it's late and I should head to bed soonish. AHA! And so it is done, hope you enjoy: - blogger also hates me and won't link. So copy and paste, please! (I listened to #4 on repeat for 3 hours the other night - not sure if I meant to but it took me that long to realize so obviously it didn't annoy me).

Weirdly also in my head tonight:


Its late, I cant sleep. Im lying in bed, typing from my phone. I was sent to bed an hour ago at least...My brain wont shut off. A million thoughts a minute, speeding by so quickly, I cant grab hold of one to let it complete... So much has gone on - without anything going on, if that makes any sense whatsoever...hahahaha! I know, it sounds probably is...but I don't care... I'm tired and have to be up early.... There is this weird sense of empowerment that has been bestowed upon me and I know who I can attribute it to, aside from myself...And I wish I could give thanks, proper thanks, meaninful thanks....I'm not sure I'm capable of describing how it came about, exactly. Small but encouraging ways over time culminating today or was it yesterday. Doesn't matter...Just hope it lasts...this new attitude...this new feeling.... A note to my benefactor:
I wish I could tell you how much your support and encouragement and friendship has meant to me. Just funny because I did not expect it from you, of all people - please don't take that wrong. I've always thought you to be a pretty great person. I just didn't know how far reaching that greatness extended, or that it would ever be extended to me. Thanks are not enough. Today, as we talked, tears welled up in my eyes - it wasn't that you said anything so profound today, but there was something about the way you said things that really struck a chord with me. I stopped feeling so helpless and hapless. I know what you'd say right about now if you were hearing me say all this and it makes me giggle. I just hope you know that everything you have done for me has been appreciated. Even the little things have not gone unnoticed. I sometimes get the impression that you're operating on instinct which impresses the hell out of me. Anyway, thank you. Much love, my friend.
Well this has been hard enough to type on my phone. I think I'm going to try sleep again.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Slightly Less Hateful...

Ok, so I get it. He's his kid. I ">ranted on about hating this man ( And I do hate him on some levels but I also understand it's his child. I don't want to understand, I want to continue to indulge in the rage. Why this kid? Why not the other two? Not that I want him to have the others either but this is the kid I love so much. This is the kid I take to tae kwon do and GameWorks. He's MINE and this man cannot have him back. He did not do a good job to begin with and he will not do a good job moving forward. The damage is too great. I don't like to hate. It makes me feel so..icky...and I take it out in other areas of my life when it's things like this - things I have no control over. The lawyer says while the odds are in our favor, there is the possibility...It just makes me crazy to think that there is even a possibility... has been nuts lately and I've had some busy days. Took Tash out for a belated birthday lunch, we went to one of my favorite little italian cafes, I had a delicious spinach quiche, fruit salad and a mimosa that was a bit too tangy for my liking. We laughed lots and caught up. It was really nice. Well, it's late and I'm up indulging in a few words with one of my shinies but I should get some sleep. XOXOXOXO!