Woke up in love with the world. :-)

LMAO http://ping.fm/LP96D

Oooo, the scrabble queen is about to be dethroned!

Pisces....Horoscopes....

Caring and kind. Smart. Likes to be the centre of attention. Very organized. High appeal to opposite sex. Likes to have the last word. Good to find, but hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. VERY caring. They always try to do the right thing and sometimes get the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and get hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good sense of humour!!! Thoughtful. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to others but needs to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.


ARIES - The Aggressive (March 21 to April 19)
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny... Excellent kisser. EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very important to an Aries. Aries are known for being generous and giving. Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be 'Right'. Aries will argue to prove their point for hours and hours. Aries are some of the most wonderful people in the world. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

TAURUS - The Tramp (April 20 to May 20)
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight. Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self-centred and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

GEMINI - The Twin (May 21 to June 20)
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very good at confusing people. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Geminis will not take any crap from anyone. Geminis like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily. They are great at losing things and are forgetful. Geminis can be very sarcastic and childish at times and are very nosey. Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing. VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

CANCER - The Beauty (June 21 to July 22)
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer's love is one of a kind... Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet in your life. Entirely creative person, most are artists and insane, respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often. Extremely random. An ultimate freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party. Most Cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever. Cancers make love with a passion beyond compare. Spontaneous. Not a fighter, but will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to! 12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

LEO - The Lion (July 23 to August 22)
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A Leo's problem becomes everyone's problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

VIRGO - The One that Waits (August 23 to September 22)
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. A pushover. Loves to gamble and take chances. Needs to have the last say in everything. They think they know everything and usually do. Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect. They do not forgive and never forget. The one and only. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

LIBRA - The Lame One (September 23 to October 22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Their love is one of a kind. Silly, funny and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying. Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent. Faithful friends to the end. Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side. Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Very creative. A hopeless romantic. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

SCORPIO - The Addict (October 23 to November 21)
EXTREMELY adorable. Loves to joke. Very good sense of humour. Will try almost anything once. Loves to be pampered. Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme. Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it! Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if is disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad
Luck if you do not forward.

SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One (November 22 to December 21)
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offence forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it, feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones with all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover (December 22 to January 19)
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some. Lazy and love to take it easy, but when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Proud, understanding and sweet. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs in sports, especially Gemini's. Likes to cook but would rather go out
To eat at good restaurants. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

AQUARIUS - Does It in the Water (January 20 to February 18)
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Tries hard. Will take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when they're not sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more than their family. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a fighter, but will knock your lights out. 2 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

Feel...

..the burn...so today was a true excercise in masochism....Exhausted after work yet pushed it extra hard at the gym....and now I hurt....

New song and my new ringtone:

Ah, the rumor mill, grinding away at my nerves...

Two...

Two used to be my favorite number. I liked two but I think it's cursed. In two years, I've lost the two things that meant the most to me.

Time for a new number....

Unamusing Amusment Park...

The roller coaster picked me up again this evening. I've been told it's part of the healing process but for goodness sake, I'm ready to be healed!! Oh heal me, Big Cheese, heal me! I have little patience with myself sometimes. I know I need to go through all of this but it's tiresome. I'm not particularly good with emotions, generally and these strong ones are just irksome.

But I've made another new friend and some good decisions. I'm looking forward to starting boxing lessons - no, there will NOT be a YouTube channel for this, even though it was requested. I can only imagine the hilarity as I wind up on my butt repeatedly....I also want to start taking violin lessons again as I've talked about.

The anniversary of Abby's death is coming up...I'm not sure how that's going to go given my current state, but again, what doesn't kill us makes us...crazier? LOL if that's even possible.

Anyway, another day draws to a close and I'm still here.

Song of the day, an old one but it's been in my head alllll day long:

Lesson learned today - it is difficult to walk with three jars of mustard in your pocket.

Disappointment is taking your first sip of coffee only to discover that they've used sweet n' low instead of sugar....

Saying Goodbye...

Since everything is in upheaval as it stands, and you know I cannot just let it all be and heal. I've got to poke the wounds with a salted stick. I probably need a support group or something or intervention but I am working to give up my biggest addiction. I think it is time and while my heart is in a million pieces, I figure another break won't cause much more in the way of hurt.

I've been doing well and I would like this to continue. I need to shed some of this virtual for a bit more real. :-) I've made steps in the right direction and want to keep going! Need to get out of my comfort zone a little more. I keep pushing the boundaries and venturing further and further away.

Soon, I will be able to spread my wings....And then, I shall defy gravity! :P

Brunch and Snowball Fights

There is no better way to recover from a snowball fight than a hot, candle lit bath - yes, I do have my girly moments....

Try as I might, I could not shake the chill upon my return home, until I drew a steaming bath, tamped my earphones firmly into my ears and slid in....The warm, scented water, swelling around my body as I eased myself down. Enveloped and engulfed.

I gave myself over completely, body and soul...letting the water lap at my skin, while the music filled my head. Warmth caressed me, my toes, my calves, making its way to my thighs, I sunk lower, letting all but my head submerge.

Heat penetrated, my muscles melting in response, slipping me into almost a trance like state. I stayed motionless, my mind drifting along unexplored planes, letting myself get carried to and fro, as if waves were gently pushing my thoughts along....

As the water began to cool, I forced myself up, a soft fluffy towel awaiting me. My hair once pinned neatly atop my head, cascaded down around my shoulders reminding me that I should get a hair cut soon, at least before the fund raiser next month.

I dried and revelled in my state, warmed and relaxed and content....

Off to frolic in this winter wonderland! :-) Snow has never been quite as beautiful.

:-) :-) :-)

I awoke this morning to a crisp winter day, full of promise. There was a smile on my face and a song in my heart (though it made it's way to my lips) as I climbed out of bed. I slipped from between the covers and into a hot, joyful shower...Put curlers on my head and dressed, my favorite purple cardigan and sparkly tank top.

I removed the ring from my finger, the one I wore for the last two years and tucked it away in my jewelry box, forever. My fingers found their way to a pretty silver charm necklace and clasped it around my neck.

A cup of hot coffee kept me company and I sang the whole way to the office where even the most demanding clients couldn't break my spirit. At noon, I frolicked in the snow, singing along to the radio as I cleaned my car free from snow, laughing as I skated around my black beauty, whisking away the fluffy flakes that had accumulated.

I met my new friend for lunch - we had sushi, and discovered we were the only two people in Chicago unaware that there was a winter snow storm approaching. We lingered too long, basking the company of a kindred spirit. We talked of everything and nothing. I forgot how nice it was to have a new friend. So much to discover. We hugged our goodbyes and I dashed off to an afternoon of meetings.

By the time I left work, around four fifteen, the snow had amassed in great quantities. Mini mountains everywhere. My commute turned into three hours in first gear - and yet still, this amazing mood lasted!

I arrived in my parking lot to find they hadn't plowed and my neighbors car was half in my space. Mild irritation began to infiltrate, until my neighbor came over to my window - he had grabbed a shovel from the building closet and he began to shovel my parking space. We talked awhile and he went and got my other neighbor to move his car so I could park more easily....

I stood in the winter night, talking with angels, halos of snow dancing around their heads. I marveled at the wonders of the day, the kindness, the joy, even the snow. And now I head to bed, perchance to dream, the song in my heart and the smile on my lips - ending the day as it began.

Delay of game! http://ping.fm/hf1gk

Adventures Ahoy!

It may be bitterly cold, but I awoke smiling and singing - looking forward to the day. I may not always understand whats going on but this is a good life and there are adventures ahead - I feel them, they're alive and closer than I imagined!

Excitement....

I've been invited to a soiree next month, one of my clients has asked me to be his guest at their annual fundraiser. I am excited! I need to buy something new to wear - yay, shopping! I'm thinking something with sparkles.

I'm really looking forward to this - I guess there's to be a big band playing, dancing and cocktails. :-)

I'm a little nervous but I can't wait for the view, I hear it's supposed to be pretty fantastic, a view of the lake...I can imagine looking out into the crisp winter night, stars in the skies, the lights of the city shining brightly....

It Will Be Ok...

I had orginally titled this something different....But in thinking about it, I think what it comes down to is that it will be ok...

Had an interesting conversation about guilt. I feel guilty for so many things, things beyond my control, things that I have nothing to do with - I always have, since being a child. I remember being a kid and feeling guilt and despair for griefs in the world - war, famine, abuses. But I cannot feel guilty for the rays of sunshine that I grab a hold of amidst this storm in my head and in my heart...

But then, there are these moments, where I find myself in certain company, enjoying humor and laughter and that's when I realize the joys of life again.

I enjoy these moments of unbridled hilarity. I cannot feel guilty for finding pure joy, a genuine smile - from ear to ear, stomach aching laughter...

These are the moments, the ones that get me through, and they are more and more frequent, thanks to all those to stepped in and stepped up...Like old times, in someways, new shapes, new stories, but still old times....

There are some cliches and quotes that seem so fitting these days...

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...

Everything happens for a reason...

If you love something, set it free...

I need not a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better....

It's the friends you can call up at 3 a.m. that matter....

There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love....

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand....

I'm interested to see what happens next....I'll say this, this lifetime never ceases to surprise me....

Frustration makes me mean. Really struggled today with having to talk to the terminally stupid....

The Script - Breakeven

Sigh

I know, I must sound like a broken record. But I am broken, just not a record… Noticing fascinating things....the grief makes me feel and say all sorts of things, very reactionary - which isn't usually my way. This is the part of the grieving process that I don't care for - aside from the pain. LOL. I get all sorts of insane notions about love, about myself, about my feelings, about - well - everything....

I just wish the roller coaster would land and let me off for a bit.....I'd like to get my bearings. Find some solid ground after having the rug pulled out from under me.

I am trying to take the advice I've been given and some of it seems to help a little, others seem trite and ineffective...but I'll keep trying, that's all I can do, I suppose.

I am hitting the gym a few times a week when I don't have this nasty cough. I've made a new friend - one of my clients, actually. She's going through a rocky time too. I've made plans to visit a few friends across the country this year, having something to look forward to really helps.

The other stuff is all a matter of trial and error….

I told Snowy that I was having difficulties with my filter - so forgive some of these posts that sound unreasonable. She says our friendship is filterless but it's more than what I've said to her. My previous post - born from pain and hurt. Sometimes I say things before I think them through, just simply because I'm feeling it at the moment. But many of these feelings are fleeting or mutable, changing as my grief changes and morphs…

I feel guilty for my feelings. I feel like I shouldn't feel these things, like I should just take it all in stride.

*sigh*

I hate death. I feel so helpless when something, someone dies….Something that I loved. Something I felt with all of my being. And there is simply nothing I can do…

I hate the idea that people I trusted, people who were my friends could be so hurtful. That really bothers me. *sigh* I've been recently told that my naiveté is both my blessing and my curse. I trust too easily, too readily - believing in the innate goodness of people….But I suppose every lesson has to be learned somewhere.

One of these days, I promise, I will post about something other than this. Bear with me….

The Hardest Part...

I think what the hardest part in most of this is, is coming to terms with not having been loved. I think it impossible to walk away from real love so easily, so what it means is coming to terms with the reality....

Can you be in love when the other party is not? Is that possible? Is it really love? I've always thought true love was always reciprocated. Which is really painful to think about - having spent all this time, energy and emotion only to discover it was a one way street.

I wish it were so easy for me. I wish I could just simply walk away. Well, parts of me do....the other parts scream and rail and say be glad you loved at all.

I think maybe thinking you were loved might be better, at least for awhile. I think maybe I think too much. Sigh.

A thought...

Again, maybe this is something that others have considered, however, something this just occurred to me and I should be ever so thankful for this. The only way to have great loss, is to have had great love. And over my lifetime I have lost some of my most beloved but what it means is that I have experienced such breathtaking, overwhelming love - only losses like these could cause so much grief...

There are people in this world who never love anything or anyone with all of who they are, so unconditionally, so wholly and that is a greater tragedy than to have never had the experience at all.

My Loss and Enlightenment....

Coping with loss of any sort is taxing, needless to say. But I have found comfort and solace on the road to healing. There were some actions fueled by my grief that initially surprised me - a desire to move on quickly and avoid the grieving process entirely. Thankfully, they for the most part failed because my conscience and sense of what is right wouldn't let me follow through with anything I would have regretted, ultimately. And for my friends and family, who reminded me to be true to myself, and not let grief take me down an unfortunate road. I have my integrity in tact and for that, I am ever so thankful.

So after the initial storm passed, I have come to embrace the grieving process, once again. I look at this like a death, much of the emotions are similar to those I experienced with the loss of Abby. The person I loved is now gone forever and I must go through all those things once again.

During all of this, I have learned quite a bit about people. I have learned to trust less and apply logic more. I had been ever so naive, so trusting, so willing to believe.

I have learned some lessons that I trust will stay with me forever - good, bad, ugly - but all useful, I suppose. I have learned the meaning of true friendship and I have learned that people I thought were friends could take delight in my pain and manipulate it for their own purposes and I have learned what it is to have no respect for those who did so. I have learned a new level of heartache and I have learned what it is to be betrayed.

I cannot say that I am happy to have learned many of these lessons in this way (the world is not often gentle) but I am looking at them as weapons, of sorts. Arming myself to ensure that I get to know someones true nature before trusting them with information or my heart.

Yes, I know what has been said/repeated and to whom and it confirmed various falsehoods perpetuated by people I had begun to suspect to be untrustworthy. It may have been manipulative of me, and of this I am not proud, but it needed to be done for my peace of mind. I needed to know whom I could trust implicitly.

I am happy to know that I am stronger than I thought, kinder than I needed to be and have remained myself. There may have been a loss of innocence on some levels but I can still find love and forgiveness - including some for myself. That is something I vow to never lose.

I have learned that you can find comfort in places you never expected, which gives me hope that outweighs the despair.

Some of this probably sounds silly, like things that people learn early in life - I don't know if I have been cursed or fortunate to have lived my life without such lessons prior to all this.

That all said, thank you to my friends and family, my network of support. Your love and kindness have gone above and beyond and I cannot thank you enough. You tell me no thanks are necessary but I believe that they are. You know who you are and you deserve no less than my appreciation, my devotion and my love. You are the best!

Virus

FFS VIRUS ALERT!

Yes, it seems I got a virus that had gone woefully undetected. I am unsure of the extent of the damage done and I must apologize if any of you were affected. I have taken appropriate steps to ensure this shall not happen again.

*sigh*

Please do a thorough scan and accept my sincerest apologies again.

2012

Welcome to a new year!