Sigh

I know, I must sound like a broken record. But I am broken, just not a record… Noticing fascinating things....the grief makes me feel and say all sorts of things, very reactionary - which isn't usually my way. This is the part of the grieving process that I don't care for - aside from the pain. LOL. I get all sorts of insane notions about love, about myself, about my feelings, about - well - everything....

I just wish the roller coaster would land and let me off for a bit.....I'd like to get my bearings. Find some solid ground after having the rug pulled out from under me.

I am trying to take the advice I've been given and some of it seems to help a little, others seem trite and ineffective...but I'll keep trying, that's all I can do, I suppose.

I am hitting the gym a few times a week when I don't have this nasty cough. I've made a new friend - one of my clients, actually. She's going through a rocky time too. I've made plans to visit a few friends across the country this year, having something to look forward to really helps.

The other stuff is all a matter of trial and error….

I told Snowy that I was having difficulties with my filter - so forgive some of these posts that sound unreasonable. She says our friendship is filterless but it's more than what I've said to her. My previous post - born from pain and hurt. Sometimes I say things before I think them through, just simply because I'm feeling it at the moment. But many of these feelings are fleeting or mutable, changing as my grief changes and morphs…

I feel guilty for my feelings. I feel like I shouldn't feel these things, like I should just take it all in stride.

*sigh*

I hate death. I feel so helpless when something, someone dies….Something that I loved. Something I felt with all of my being. And there is simply nothing I can do…

I hate the idea that people I trusted, people who were my friends could be so hurtful. That really bothers me. *sigh* I've been recently told that my naiveté is both my blessing and my curse. I trust too easily, too readily - believing in the innate goodness of people….But I suppose every lesson has to be learned somewhere.

One of these days, I promise, I will post about something other than this. Bear with me….