My Loss and Enlightenment....

Coping with loss of any sort is taxing, needless to say. But I have found comfort and solace on the road to healing. There were some actions fueled by my grief that initially surprised me - a desire to move on quickly and avoid the grieving process entirely. Thankfully, they for the most part failed because my conscience and sense of what is right wouldn't let me follow through with anything I would have regretted, ultimately. And for my friends and family, who reminded me to be true to myself, and not let grief take me down an unfortunate road. I have my integrity in tact and for that, I am ever so thankful.

So after the initial storm passed, I have come to embrace the grieving process, once again. I look at this like a death, much of the emotions are similar to those I experienced with the loss of Abby. The person I loved is now gone forever and I must go through all those things once again.

During all of this, I have learned quite a bit about people. I have learned to trust less and apply logic more. I had been ever so naive, so trusting, so willing to believe.

I have learned some lessons that I trust will stay with me forever - good, bad, ugly - but all useful, I suppose. I have learned the meaning of true friendship and I have learned that people I thought were friends could take delight in my pain and manipulate it for their own purposes and I have learned what it is to have no respect for those who did so. I have learned a new level of heartache and I have learned what it is to be betrayed.

I cannot say that I am happy to have learned many of these lessons in this way (the world is not often gentle) but I am looking at them as weapons, of sorts. Arming myself to ensure that I get to know someones true nature before trusting them with information or my heart.

Yes, I know what has been said/repeated and to whom and it confirmed various falsehoods perpetuated by people I had begun to suspect to be untrustworthy. It may have been manipulative of me, and of this I am not proud, but it needed to be done for my peace of mind. I needed to know whom I could trust implicitly.

I am happy to know that I am stronger than I thought, kinder than I needed to be and have remained myself. There may have been a loss of innocence on some levels but I can still find love and forgiveness - including some for myself. That is something I vow to never lose.

I have learned that you can find comfort in places you never expected, which gives me hope that outweighs the despair.

Some of this probably sounds silly, like things that people learn early in life - I don't know if I have been cursed or fortunate to have lived my life without such lessons prior to all this.

That all said, thank you to my friends and family, my network of support. Your love and kindness have gone above and beyond and I cannot thank you enough. You tell me no thanks are necessary but I believe that they are. You know who you are and you deserve no less than my appreciation, my devotion and my love. You are the best!