Reasons why I'm a bad stalker..

* Attention span of steamed asparagus - I get distracted by small shiny objects..

* Laziness - I won't travel out of my way to stalk...

* Tin Foil Hat - Draws too much attention...

* Time - I'm very busy and often just don't have the time...

* Cash - Stalking can be expensive and I'd rather spend my money on eBay...

* Boredom - If you're boring I'll lose interest...

* Lemurs - I like them. The ringtailed variety in particular...

* Hate - I hate (most) people and the concept of people in general, so its hard to find a good target..

....

I hate people....





....except you.

Brought to you by the number 7, the letter Q and Velveeta

Normally, I don't address work issues, for a variety of reasons, however, today I am compelled....You see, a good portion of my users are idiots...And I don't mean just your garden variety, milling about and drooling on themselves, I mean SERIOUS idiots...Like the one that just posted some food for thought in my forums...

You know, I'm nutty and paranoid just like the next person (and I can even enjoy a good conspiracy theory as much as anyone) - do I think our government tells us everything? No. Do I believe that Cheney is an evil alien from the galaxy Dargon who does not have good intentions regarding Earthlings? Yes. Am I convinced the Mother Ship will come back for me one day? Yes. Do I believe that Velveeta was made by the government to poison us into complacency? Yep.

However, I draw the line at tipping the CNN logo on its side, lopping of a piece (to make it "fit" my theory, because without doing so I might just be nuts) and making it into a 3 which stands for 33 which is a masonic magic number and they're all out to get us (the sky is falling, the sky is falling)...Maybe its because I have the attention span of a doorknob that I can't hang on to any specific conspiracy theory or maybe its because I am too damn busy to be flipping corporate logos around and photochopping them to fit into my wacky Velveeta conspiracy theory...I know how my company came up with their logos and should we ever make the "big time" I will be sure to spread the word that we simply sat around and played with the alphabet and PhotoShop - don't want anyone to think it is a Masonic symbol of power, though, so what if it were???

I've never spent much time thinking about the Freemasons and the Illuminati and maybe I should because apparently they're everywhere and they're doing STUFF.

Did you hear me??

They...are...doing....STUFF!!!!!

I'm not sure exactly what that stuff is...It involves the numbers 11, 13 and 33...as well as 3, 7 and 9..(Um, did anyone else just flash to Sesame Street? This blog is brought to you by the number 39 and the letter M! - RUN FOR YOUR LIVES). So it involves numbers. And the creation of corporate logos. And Hollywood is apparently owned by the masons. According to one..um..individual, Star Trek was created by the masons to prepare us for a FAKE alien invasion (um...ok)...

WTF??????

That said, I have some advice. Put your tinfoil hat on, take your meds, get a full time job, go to school full time and try to keep up a life (bathing regularly, grocery shopping, laundry, etc.) - and I promise you, the masons stop following you...

Well, ok, so they don't actually stop following you but you're suddenly so busy and tired that you don't notice them any more...its great...

Edjubacation

Well, I was looking over a menu thinking to myself, I think I could make this stuff at home (Gop Chang Jun Gol - boiled fresh beef intestine, beef tripe, radishes, bean curd, etc. or Bu Dae Jun Gol - boiled spam, bacon, sausage and various vegetables) until I came across something that requires dropwort...

Funny, I was picturing my spice rack and thought wow I don't think I have a smidge of dropwort! Come to think of it, I don't even know what the hell dropwort is. It seems that I will make a trip to the nearest calcareous grassland because I am not only interested in cooking with dropwort but the health benefits as well.

I mean come on, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not concerned about my stone and gravel - though, I don't believe I wish the stoppage of urine - however it then goes on to say that it provokes the urine (come on people, make up your minds) - frankly, I don't want my urine provoked per se. I mean I've been ok thus far without stopping or provoking it. I think it best left alone...

So, for the other ignorant people out there, here's some information on dropwort:


DROPWORT FILIPENDULA VULGARIS
Good for the stone, gravel, and stoppage of urine.
The roots of the Dropwort resemble Dahlia tubers. The stalks grow to about a foot (30 cm) high and bear many pretty flowers in the shape of an umbel. They are white on the inside and red on the outside.

Where to find it: A perennial of calcareous grassland.
Flowering time: It flowers in early summer.
Astrology: It is accounted under Venus.
Medicinal virtues: The root is used to provoke the urine and therefore is good for those with the stone.
Modern uses: There are several plants bearing the name of Dropwort and most of them are poisonous. The root of Filipendula vulgaris contains a slightly poisonous glycoside. The Water Hemlock (Oenanthe crocata) is also known as Dropwort. It grows in ditches and in stagnant water, and is one of the most poisonous plants, causing death within three hours. The Water Dropwort (Oenanthe aquatica) is less poisonous. A homoeopathic tincture of the seeds is used in doses of a few drops for the treatment of coughs, flatulence and urinary tract disorders. The common Tubular Water Dropwort is known botanically as Oenanthe fatulosa. Because of the confusion that can arise in discerning the poisonous varieties from the innocuous, it is recommended that they are not used as herbal medicines domestically.

The Amish can keep their damn chicken...

Feeling indulgent I treated a friend to a luncheon (read: mid day meal consisting of tiny portions and unpronounceable ingredients that I'm not sure actually qualify as foodstuffs) at the opulent Four Seasons Hotel in Chicago. A couple of times a year they offer high tea with fashion shows from Bloomingdale's but this year it was a luncheon in celebration of Administrative Assistant's Day. While I am a glorified Admin Assistant, this wasn't the reason I went. I actually thought we were attending one of the high tea/fashion show combos. So while I was confused, it was fine that we were going to have lunch..until lunch arrived.

The menu offered a choice of soup, asparagus bisque, or a spring salad. I ordered the bisque (yes, I was truly feeling indulgent) and my companion ordered the salad. My soup was a watery, tasteless, greenish substance with asparagus tips floating aimlessly around the little cup. The salad was only slightly more appealing until my companion was picking out some of the more peculiar bits and setting them aside after she tasted them and grimaced...Apparently, spring means random bits of vegetation that happen to be growing right about now and salad means to mix the random items together under some dressing.

For the main course we were offered either cod in soy and palm sugar or Amish chicken over polenta. We both elected to have the chicken. It arrived, delivered by the most delicious man, Kevin (the only salivating I did during that meal was over that man..sigh...) who caught me drinking him in on several occasions....Anyway, I think the Amish are a bunch of haters...From what I could tell "Amish" means undercooked, unseasoned and hate-filled. At this point you must know that my friend and I are very experimental and open to new culinary experiences with very different palates...but this pushed both of our limits. We were good sports and ate some of the dish, avoiding each other's eyes for fear we'd burst out laughing and spew half chewed raw chicken all over the neatly dressed Administrative Assistants we were dining near....I'm really not sure what was being attempted with the entrée to be quite honest what little flavors there were, were less than tantalizing.

Now, we didn't get any choice for dessert - which was fine, it sounded interesting and neither of us was so put off by the meal to not keep trying - for what I paid for the meals by george we were going to like something!!!!!! And the dessert (no, it was not Kevin dressed only in a Redi-whip speedo), as it turned out, was the best part of the entire meal! It was a spongy organic carrot cake with sour cream sorbet drizzled with a pineapple sauce of some sort...Mmmmmm....I'm not always the biggest fan of carrot cake...or dessert for that matter (unless its Kevin + Redi-whip) but this was really good. Sour cream sorbet may not sound particularly appealing, and on its own, I think I might agree - but with the carrot cake, wow! I was very impressed...

The other thing that impressed me, as it always does, is the service. Aside from having things brought to us by His Hotness (Go Four Seasons HR!!!), the service is always fantastic - and often funny. They NEVER want to disagree with you. No matter how insane you might be sounding. As I said, I thought we were attending a tea and so when I was trying to find our reservations and where we were supposed to be I continued to say "tea" - confusing most of the staff but no one wanted to disagree with me and so we had these strange circular conversations - it was eventually sorted, obviously, but they were just so polite - almost to the point of frustrating me at times......sigh......I toyed with the idea of asking Kevin for a rendezvous of sorts and hoping they weren't allowed to say no to a guest....I'd have checked in right then and there (even if it were like a weeks pay - he'd be worth it, I'm sure).