Nightmares...

So last night I woke with a start at around 4am. I had a nightmare. Not that its all that unusual for me to have a nightmare but usually they don't wake me up. However, this one was involving school. In my dream I got a C and apparently panicked. So I had to get up and check my grades - so insane. I never cared much before what grades I got so I'm not so sure why I care so damn much now...heaven forbid I actually find reasonable balance. I am all about one extreme or another...I think I may be trying to drive myself nuts....

Actually, a little stay in the looney bin doesn't sound so bad right about now....

I think I may have to give up dating for a while. It takes a LOT of energy without much reward. Don't get me wrong, some of these guys have been great but it seems like the ones I really like are....troubled?...Or incapable of communicating...or acting like an adult....Hmmm...not sure if this is a reflection upon myself or not. I mean, its not like I know them for very long to get any sort of sense about them. I just generally find myself enjoying their company and then they flake out....Its really just annoying, more than anything. I mean seriously, its not that difficult.

Or maybe it is. Maybe I just expect too much - I think that's always been a problem of mine...oh well...if I stop dating, there will be no expectations. Just for the time being. I have to admit I am pretty busy between work, school and family obligations. But I'm also starting to feel lonely - which makes this a tough call. But then I fear losing my independence again - which is what a relationship has meant for me in the past.

My life is starting to just feel like a waking nightmare. Full of uncertainty and scary places and emptiness....sigh....