Afraid....

I had never thought about it before. Not really. But the topic of fear came up recently. I was asked by someone "When are you most afraid?" - in my typical fashion, I responded quickly with some quip about my fear of spiders (except for Bathroom Spider and Porch Spider, two arachnids, from a long time ago, I had developed a fondness for), especially SURPRISE SPIDERS - you know, the ones that come from out of nowhere and lower directly in front of your face, usually while walking forward so you have to do the ArachnaSpaz, a dance to avoid running head long into a SURPRISE SPIDER. But my fear of spiders is pretty much limited to my encounters with them.

And then there's my fear of being surrounded by a large body of water, like the ocean. This has never happened to me before but sometimes during movies about the wide open ocean, with no land in sight, my pulse quickens a little...but being in Chicago, I don't really have to deal with this....

And there's my fear of being buried alive - and this may, or may not be tied into my purpose for this entry in a moment. Now, when I watch movies again that have either an unsteady cave or some psycho killer intent on burying his victims, again, my pulse quickens and my breathing becomes a little ragged. But I can walk away or turn my head. But it's a little distant and removed from me.....

This all got me to thinking about my fear. My flip response to the question made me out to be a brave soul, not scared by much. But it dawned upon me, I am afraid. I do have fears. Usually, they are global things - I used to fear nuclear war and mushroom clouds. Or malevolent alien invasions. But again, remote things.

And then I ordered new cable service.....

Finally, my real fear. The cable guy. Comcast Cable is coming today to install something. With my new found "freedom" (read being abandoned, jilted, walked out on, left, divorced, etc.) there has been a resulting depression (read: hiding in my apartment for days on end without talking to a soul. Ignoring my phones and email) and heemiting. Recently, there was news story all over the place about the woman who was killed by her cable installer. It dawned on me that by being so alone, I was now vulnerable in a way that I've not been in, well, about 10 years - the last time I lived on my own. Were the cable guy to be some psychotic killer (trying to tie it back to my fear of being buried alive), it might be days before anyone knew I were dead.