OCD Brain...

I miss him, terribly.

I miss him, achingly so.

I miss him, fiercely.

I know he's only a few words away if needed....if wanted...and, oh!, is he wanted....If only I could reach out. If only I could forget. If only...

He checked in while I was so sick this past week....it was sweet and it pained me...

I carry around The Gift in it's plastic protective packaging...taking it out each morning to employ, sliding my fingers over it's length, letting it find it's natural place in my hand...then slipping it back into it's packaging, every evening. Toting it home with me in my purse.

It still brings a smile to my lips.

I was asked if I was going to send it back.

The idea makes my eyes sting.

I cannot reconcile any of this.How can this be? How can I have these feelings for someone who has done something I consider unforgivable? I want to go back to before I knew

Before last week.

While he was no knight in shining armor, mind you I am no damsel in distress - just your average princess, I had been enjoying  him so...I was feeling like I was getting to know him...And I guess now I do.

Libido Vita!

So, I started to write a bit of a rant about a conversation I had yesterday...And then I realized I just don't care. I think too much sometimes and when I ramble on I think it sounds like I'm more invested than I actually am.

It's just me considering all angles of a situation, trying to put myself in someone else's shoes, etc. It's not that I actually "care" or don't care, it's more like a puzzle for me to figure out.

My brain does this at times - especially when it has nothing better to do. I remember when I was unemployed for that year, I was so miserable. I made up things to think about. Puzzles to solve. Things to take my attention, mysteries to wonder about - anything to distract myself from how unhappy I was.

This is why I think I loved being in school so much. And why I think I should go back.

The last three years of my life have been nothing but a distraction. I think that the last few months have been the most reality I've had in a long time and it's really nice. I love the doing....I love the activity...And I love that I'm no longer cooped up in front of a computer all the time, wasting away in a fantasy world.

Last Thursday, I sat for two hours across the table from Janelle and I marveled at watching her face light up when she talked. Last Saturday, instead of calling my grandmother, I went and visited her and gave her a kiss upon arriving. When Rob and I parted last Sunday, I loved saying goodbye by putting my arms around him.

That's real. That's reality. That's living.

Once again, Snowy, you were right. I love you so much, some days it hurts (and not just because I can feel the smack upside my head through the phone). Thank you. I needed the slap. I know you've been beating me for the last couple of years to DO something, anything other than what I was doing, I'm just thick-skulled at times.

Anyway, I'm going to take the LSAT in October. I don't know that I have fully committed to going to law school but it's sounding more and more appealing. I need somewhere around a 155, which I'm told is very doable. Though I've also been informed with my high GPA I should actually shoot for something over 160 (of course, being me, I will want the highest score I can get).

Well, on that note, I should go live my life today! And if you're reading my ramblings, you're most likely someone I love very much. :-) I hope you are well and know how important you are to me. And if we haven't talked in a bit, give me a call - I would love to apologize for my absenteeism and reconnect!

Pardon me...

All the things that you felt
Were always there

:-(

How can i be so naive?

And so wrong about people?

Josh lies to me, cheats and then steals from me. Snowy was right from the beginning.

Mr. Wrong reveals his cruelty - not directed at me, by any means. Again, Snowys spot on...

So....I need to fix this about myself. Yes, these people are failures and they will be cursed with themselves forever. But I don't wish to continue this pattern and associate myself with said individuals. So, I must change. No more naive beliefs in the good of everyone.

I won't let this cloud the nice date I had yesterday...

He's unlike the people I've dated before. I really had a good time. And I think that because he's so vastly different from the others, there's a good chance I won't be disappointed in him as a human being...Regardless of how I feel about him otherwise...

*sigh*

...coffee....a brief walk in the beautiful summer afternoon....late lunch, early dinner...discussions of a next time...can't wait..

:-)

:-)

Lunched with a friend, two hours of amazing conversation over amazing food and delicious Turkish coffee...

Such a nice day....

Weird alien dreams this week...the funniest one was when the aliens were socks and to chase them off we had to put blankets on our heads and chant something. I woke up at stupid o'clock in the morning laughing. 

:P

Anyway, Windows updates are calling... 

Fly in my ointment...

Fickle? No. Not really.

Just realistic. And rational.

This new shiny is just very shiny... :-)

He's smart and funny and I'm intrigued.

This could be a good thing...

Now, let's see if we can manage to coordinate for dinner...

Sad...

I don't know if I've been too busy or too engaged elsewhere but I just learned of Ray Bradbury's death last week - how I didn't hear this before, I don't know.

I was just talking about how I missed my annual spring reading of Fahrenheit 451 - my all time favorite book.

Sigh.

All I can say is, thank you, Mr. Bradbury.

1am..2am..

Damned if I do, damned if I don't...

Heart and head continue to battle for supremacy...

Sunburned, lying in bed wishing for sleep.

Had a freaky dream last night. Malevolent aliens. Not like the ones from my home planet.

What I wouldn't give for the sound of his voice right,now. I want a story. One of his stories.

Damnit...

Blame it on my ADD, baby...

I drank something called snoozeberry and I wonder what he's doing.

Damnit...

I thought I had it figured out this week. I thought I knew what I was doing.

I used to be commander-in-chief of my pimpship...

Damnit...

I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't let this happen.

And yet....

Went to lunch and a festival. It was fun. And hot.

Not again. Ohhh this ain't supposed to happen to me.....

I want more....

Damnit....

I started a letter to accompany the gift. I've written it over and over again in my head. And it always comes out the same. I've reread it several times as well.....

I think it's a love letter.

Damnit.

So now I'm crashing. Don't know how it happened but it feels so damned good.....

Damnit.

And it knocks you down...

Damnit.

Just get back up...

Damnit...

No no no...

Tears of tired stream down my face....

Sigh...

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Damnit!

Blood...

I am tired of my blood....Tired of the games it likes to play. They are meaningless and pointless....Because I am fine. Or at least I feel fine (other than the spinach incident from last night)...

I got my blood test results back - they were weird enough for the doctor to call (considering I have another appointment on Thursday). I'm apparently very deficient in B12 so I have to beef that up...but this time both my white cell count and my platelets were high...Normally, they're high but they alternate. When white is down, platelets go wayyyy up. When platelets are lower, white is high...Now they seem to be coordinating. And again, all we can do is scratch our heads....

Anyway...Last night I ate spinach. I ate far too much spinach. I ate enough spinach to make myself sick. I am not sure what my spinach threshold is, exactly...but I crossed it last night and ended up with a horrible stomach ache that found me in bed by around 9pm. Lol. 

I am assembling his gift. Well, actually, collecting it right now. Getting the items gathered. Then it will be time to add...flare..sparkles...happiness...His gift to me was SERIOUS...mine is silly...Well, most of it. I'm going to include a copy of my favorite book - he's not read it yet.

I wish I could make something meaningful. He deserves that. He deserves more. He deserves more than what I can give him.

Sigh....