I've been invited to a soiree next month, one of my clients has asked me to be his guest at their annual fundraiser. I am excited! I need to buy something new to wear - yay, shopping! I'm thinking something with sparkles.
I'm really looking forward to this - I guess there's to be a big band playing, dancing and cocktails. :-)
I'm a little nervous but I can't wait for the view, I hear it's supposed to be pretty fantastic, a view of the lake...I can imagine looking out into the crisp winter night, stars in the skies, the lights of the city shining brightly....
Thursday, January 19, 2012
It Will Be Ok...
I had orginally titled this something different....But in thinking about it, I think what it comes down to is that it will be ok...
Had an interesting conversation about guilt. I feel guilty for so many things, things beyond my control, things that I have nothing to do with - I always have, since being a child. I remember being a kid and feeling guilt and despair for griefs in the world - war, famine, abuses. But I cannot feel guilty for the rays of sunshine that I grab a hold of amidst this storm in my head and in my heart...
But then, there are these moments, where I find myself in certain company, enjoying humor and laughter and that's when I realize the joys of life again.
I enjoy these moments of unbridled hilarity. I cannot feel guilty for finding pure joy, a genuine smile - from ear to ear, stomach aching laughter...
These are the moments, the ones that get me through, and they are more and more frequent, thanks to all those to stepped in and stepped up...Like old times, in someways, new shapes, new stories, but still old times....
There are some cliches and quotes that seem so fitting these days...
I'm interested to see what happens next....I'll say this, this lifetime never ceases to surprise me....
Had an interesting conversation about guilt. I feel guilty for so many things, things beyond my control, things that I have nothing to do with - I always have, since being a child. I remember being a kid and feeling guilt and despair for griefs in the world - war, famine, abuses. But I cannot feel guilty for the rays of sunshine that I grab a hold of amidst this storm in my head and in my heart...
But then, there are these moments, where I find myself in certain company, enjoying humor and laughter and that's when I realize the joys of life again.
I enjoy these moments of unbridled hilarity. I cannot feel guilty for finding pure joy, a genuine smile - from ear to ear, stomach aching laughter...
These are the moments, the ones that get me through, and they are more and more frequent, thanks to all those to stepped in and stepped up...Like old times, in someways, new shapes, new stories, but still old times....
There are some cliches and quotes that seem so fitting these days...
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...
Everything happens for a reason...
If you love something, set it free...
I need not a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better....
It's the friends you can call up at 3 a.m. that matter....
There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love....
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand....
I'm interested to see what happens next....I'll say this, this lifetime never ceases to surprise me....
Sigh
I know, I must sound like a broken record. But I am broken, just not a record… Noticing fascinating things....the grief makes me feel and say all sorts of things, very reactionary - which isn't usually my way. This is the part of the grieving process that I don't care for - aside from the pain. LOL. I get all sorts of insane notions about love, about myself, about my feelings, about - well - everything....
I just wish the roller coaster would land and let me off for a bit.....I'd like to get my bearings. Find some solid ground after having the rug pulled out from under me.
I am trying to take the advice I've been given and some of it seems to help a little, others seem trite and ineffective...but I'll keep trying, that's all I can do, I suppose.
I am hitting the gym a few times a week when I don't have this nasty cough. I've made a new friend - one of my clients, actually. She's going through a rocky time too. I've made plans to visit a few friends across the country this year, having something to look forward to really helps.
The other stuff is all a matter of trial and error….
I told Snowy that I was having difficulties with my filter - so forgive some of these posts that sound unreasonable. She says our friendship is filterless but it's more than what I've said to her. My previous post - born from pain and hurt. Sometimes I say things before I think them through, just simply because I'm feeling it at the moment. But many of these feelings are fleeting or mutable, changing as my grief changes and morphs…
I feel guilty for my feelings. I feel like I shouldn't feel these things, like I should just take it all in stride.
*sigh*
I hate death. I feel so helpless when something, someone dies….Something that I loved. Something I felt with all of my being. And there is simply nothing I can do…
I hate the idea that people I trusted, people who were my friends could be so hurtful. That really bothers me. *sigh* I've been recently told that my naiveté is both my blessing and my curse. I trust too easily, too readily - believing in the innate goodness of people….But I suppose every lesson has to be learned somewhere.
One of these days, I promise, I will post about something other than this. Bear with me….
I just wish the roller coaster would land and let me off for a bit.....I'd like to get my bearings. Find some solid ground after having the rug pulled out from under me.
I am trying to take the advice I've been given and some of it seems to help a little, others seem trite and ineffective...but I'll keep trying, that's all I can do, I suppose.
I am hitting the gym a few times a week when I don't have this nasty cough. I've made a new friend - one of my clients, actually. She's going through a rocky time too. I've made plans to visit a few friends across the country this year, having something to look forward to really helps.
The other stuff is all a matter of trial and error….
I told Snowy that I was having difficulties with my filter - so forgive some of these posts that sound unreasonable. She says our friendship is filterless but it's more than what I've said to her. My previous post - born from pain and hurt. Sometimes I say things before I think them through, just simply because I'm feeling it at the moment. But many of these feelings are fleeting or mutable, changing as my grief changes and morphs…
I feel guilty for my feelings. I feel like I shouldn't feel these things, like I should just take it all in stride.
*sigh*
I hate death. I feel so helpless when something, someone dies….Something that I loved. Something I felt with all of my being. And there is simply nothing I can do…
I hate the idea that people I trusted, people who were my friends could be so hurtful. That really bothers me. *sigh* I've been recently told that my naiveté is both my blessing and my curse. I trust too easily, too readily - believing in the innate goodness of people….But I suppose every lesson has to be learned somewhere.
One of these days, I promise, I will post about something other than this. Bear with me….
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
The Hardest Part...
I think what the hardest part in most of this is, is coming to terms with not having been loved. I think it impossible to walk away from real love so easily, so what it means is coming to terms with the reality....
Can you be in love when the other party is not? Is that possible? Is it really love? I've always thought true love was always reciprocated. Which is really painful to think about - having spent all this time, energy and emotion only to discover it was a one way street.
I wish it were so easy for me. I wish I could just simply walk away. Well, parts of me do....the other parts scream and rail and say be glad you loved at all.
I think maybe thinking you were loved might be better, at least for awhile. I think maybe I think too much. Sigh.
Can you be in love when the other party is not? Is that possible? Is it really love? I've always thought true love was always reciprocated. Which is really painful to think about - having spent all this time, energy and emotion only to discover it was a one way street.
I wish it were so easy for me. I wish I could just simply walk away. Well, parts of me do....the other parts scream and rail and say be glad you loved at all.
I think maybe thinking you were loved might be better, at least for awhile. I think maybe I think too much. Sigh.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
A thought...
Again, maybe this is something that others have considered, however, something this just occurred to me and I should be ever so thankful for this. The only way to have great loss, is to have had great love. And over my lifetime I have lost some of my most beloved but what it means is that I have experienced such breathtaking, overwhelming love - only losses like these could cause so much grief...
There are people in this world who never love anything or anyone with all of who they are, so unconditionally, so wholly and that is a greater tragedy than to have never had the experience at all.
There are people in this world who never love anything or anyone with all of who they are, so unconditionally, so wholly and that is a greater tragedy than to have never had the experience at all.
My Loss and Enlightenment....
Coping with loss of any sort is taxing, needless to say. But I have found comfort and solace on the road to healing. There were some actions fueled by my grief that initially surprised me - a desire to move on quickly and avoid the grieving process entirely. Thankfully, they for the most part failed because my conscience and sense of what is right wouldn't let me follow through with anything I would have regretted, ultimately. And for my friends and family, who reminded me to be true to myself, and not let grief take me down an unfortunate road. I have my integrity in tact and for that, I am ever so thankful.
So after the initial storm passed, I have come to embrace the grieving process, once again. I look at this like a death, much of the emotions are similar to those I experienced with the loss of Abby. The person I loved is now gone forever and I must go through all those things once again.
During all of this, I have learned quite a bit about people. I have learned to trust less and apply logic more. I had been ever so naive, so trusting, so willing to believe.
I have learned some lessons that I trust will stay with me forever - good, bad, ugly - but all useful, I suppose. I have learned the meaning of true friendship and I have learned that people I thought were friends could take delight in my pain and manipulate it for their own purposes and I have learned what it is to have no respect for those who did so. I have learned a new level of heartache and I have learned what it is to be betrayed.
I cannot say that I am happy to have learned many of these lessons in this way (the world is not often gentle) but I am looking at them as weapons, of sorts. Arming myself to ensure that I get to know someones true nature before trusting them with information or my heart.
Yes, I know what has been said/repeated and to whom and it confirmed various falsehoods perpetuated by people I had begun to suspect to be untrustworthy. It may have been manipulative of me, and of this I am not proud, but it needed to be done for my peace of mind. I needed to know whom I could trust implicitly.
I am happy to know that I am stronger than I thought, kinder than I needed to be and have remained myself. There may have been a loss of innocence on some levels but I can still find love and forgiveness - including some for myself. That is something I vow to never lose.
I have learned that you can find comfort in places you never expected, which gives me hope that outweighs the despair.
Some of this probably sounds silly, like things that people learn early in life - I don't know if I have been cursed or fortunate to have lived my life without such lessons prior to all this.
That all said, thank you to my friends and family, my network of support. Your love and kindness have gone above and beyond and I cannot thank you enough. You tell me no thanks are necessary but I believe that they are. You know who you are and you deserve no less than my appreciation, my devotion and my love. You are the best!
So after the initial storm passed, I have come to embrace the grieving process, once again. I look at this like a death, much of the emotions are similar to those I experienced with the loss of Abby. The person I loved is now gone forever and I must go through all those things once again.
During all of this, I have learned quite a bit about people. I have learned to trust less and apply logic more. I had been ever so naive, so trusting, so willing to believe.
I have learned some lessons that I trust will stay with me forever - good, bad, ugly - but all useful, I suppose. I have learned the meaning of true friendship and I have learned that people I thought were friends could take delight in my pain and manipulate it for their own purposes and I have learned what it is to have no respect for those who did so. I have learned a new level of heartache and I have learned what it is to be betrayed.
I cannot say that I am happy to have learned many of these lessons in this way (the world is not often gentle) but I am looking at them as weapons, of sorts. Arming myself to ensure that I get to know someones true nature before trusting them with information or my heart.
Yes, I know what has been said/repeated and to whom and it confirmed various falsehoods perpetuated by people I had begun to suspect to be untrustworthy. It may have been manipulative of me, and of this I am not proud, but it needed to be done for my peace of mind. I needed to know whom I could trust implicitly.
I am happy to know that I am stronger than I thought, kinder than I needed to be and have remained myself. There may have been a loss of innocence on some levels but I can still find love and forgiveness - including some for myself. That is something I vow to never lose.
I have learned that you can find comfort in places you never expected, which gives me hope that outweighs the despair.
Some of this probably sounds silly, like things that people learn early in life - I don't know if I have been cursed or fortunate to have lived my life without such lessons prior to all this.
That all said, thank you to my friends and family, my network of support. Your love and kindness have gone above and beyond and I cannot thank you enough. You tell me no thanks are necessary but I believe that they are. You know who you are and you deserve no less than my appreciation, my devotion and my love. You are the best!
Virus
FFS VIRUS ALERT!
Yes, it seems I got a virus that had gone woefully undetected. I am unsure of the extent of the damage done and I must apologize if any of you were affected. I have taken appropriate steps to ensure this shall not happen again.
*sigh*
Please do a thorough scan and accept my sincerest apologies again.
Yes, it seems I got a virus that had gone woefully undetected. I am unsure of the extent of the damage done and I must apologize if any of you were affected. I have taken appropriate steps to ensure this shall not happen again.
*sigh*
Please do a thorough scan and accept my sincerest apologies again.
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